Depression

Depression


If I had a nickel for every time I was made fun of for my weight, I'd be a millionaire. If I had a dime for every time I got depressed I'd have almost a trillion dollars.

It's not easy being the eldest in my family, a lot is being posted onto my shoulders and it sucks. I'm expected not to make errors; I'm expected to comply without fighting back. It's not me. It has nothing to do with what I want. Why can't my family be happy once I'm happy? Why do I have to follow their norms and once I don't comply why do they get mad? Why does it feel like I'm not wanted at home, and home doesn't feel like home?

These are all the questions (with some exceptions) that run through my head about 6 times a day. I've never tried self harm. I have on the other hand tried to commit suicide. I've tried it twice and each time I chicken out. I'm always wanting the easy way out and it hurts to think about it, but s*** feels like its not real. I know people reading this are thinking, "What's he blabbing about?". I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of hiding things from my parents;  I'm tired of not being me. Why do I have to worry about what they think? Is it 'cause I seek their approval? Sometimes it feels like I'm not good enough; What's my purpose? I'm so lost, and I can't find my way around.

I know many can relate, but please, if you're reading this, don't feel alone. I'm here suffering the same fate. If you're reading this, you're awesome. I know it's not much, but when I get compliments on days I'm depressed I feel like a king. So maybe that makes you feel awesome too. Well I'll leave you with happy thoughts, hopefully I added a day to your journey. It's been a long 19 years and I'm tired of feeling alone... Maybe you don't have to. Remember, you're awesome.

~ Your fellow traveler in this universe


- Joel