Dealing with Anxiety

Dealing with Anxiety.

My world used to be free. There was no bubble, there was no cycle.

I used to go outside more often. I was in love with school.

Then there was this one day where I felt extremely nervous.

Everything changed, my whole world changed.

I had my first anxiety attack. 

I was sitting down drinking my usual daily routine of tea when I

suddenly didn’t feel like myself. I had an out of my body feeling.

Well, whatever that was, if it was an "anxiety attack", an adrenalin

rush, or even a sign from "God", it changed me. Before a stage

performance I would feel nervous, which I never really had. It's

fine because at the end of the day, I love performing. Stepping

outside the house was a problem, but now I cannot go one day

without going outside. My grades at school dropped in the

eleventh grade, which is horrible because I was told that is what

colleges look at. I was very disappointed at myself. If I was on

my best academic behavior during my junior year, I would have

probably received a scholarship to a SUNY or a private institute

 with an excellent Musical Theatre program.

I feel as if my anxiety affected that chance completely. It was due

to my attendance issues, this anxiety of being afraid of leaving

my house. I began to go to therapy. I was even on Zoloft. There

were times when the medicine was not working, but eventually

it took time to get better. Twelfth grade felt like a new school

year to start fresh again. I am now a freshman in college and

I can finally say I know how to manage my anxiety. Maybe I was

destined to feel nervous. It is a sign to relax. Truth is I had always

 been stressed with musical and acting activities at school and

outside of school; Including an internship at a nearby theatre.

Maybe this is just a part of growing up.

I've been changed for the better. I have learned that with time

and patience you can change and achieve anything. This is life

and it seems you can't always get what you want and that's okay

because you always have to conform and cope with what you have.

-Anonymous

Perfection

Perfection.


What's the meaning of perfection?
See, I've seen life through its actualization
Never been one to accept acclamation
Or adoration let alone aspiration
Instead I've lived under authorization
Of this world left with no celebration
So tell me, what is perfection?
I was made to be under a classification
Of those with no communication
Left unable to defend themselves; a victim of confliction
I'll admit I never had real friends as a child
Considered real mild with that innocent smile
'Till I found the world and went wild
Turned Jekyll and Hyde
I always wanted to hide
That life I was living; a complete lie
'Cause daddy used to beat mommy in the dark
And never once was there a bark
Never a clue about this dark life hidden like an ace card
Then when daddy left the picture everything went back to normal
Until someone stole my innocence and sex became all informal
And from there friends became an illusion
The only thing left was drugs as my only solution
Then alcohol became an admiration
Boys and sex a form of accommodation
Tell me now, am I living a life of perfection?
I cried myself to sleep every night and thought of dad
How he beat mom and left me; it makes me so mad
Every other feeling gone and I ain't even sad
See, it infuriates me to know
You had all the side hoes
All in seperate homes
But that's just how your life goes
And I was left with no hope
As mommy used to beat me and my heart acquired holes
Every hit, my toes would curl
My head would begin to swirl
Until eventually I would hurl
And found my life pathetically disgusting
I remember howling
I will forever be hurting
Have I reached perfection?
Only feeling alive through intoxication
No longer part of civilization
I am now under declassification
My soul under deprivation
Far away from perfection
But a step closer to detoxification
Getting away from devastation
Healing my soul from this exploitation
Ridding my humiliation
Walking towards intellectualization
Living the life of liberation
And that is what I call a living perfection.


-A